We skipped, we played, we teased and made funny noises in class -yes we were all kids at one time. Times have changed and fashions have come and gone but one thing that has remained the same is, we all as children enjoyed making rhymes. Here is a selection mainly from the UK (with some from afar) that was collected from a thread I initiated in a magazine’s website. The age of the contributors varies. Some have children who were the source of newer rhymes, some are going by their very distant past. The author contributed a few from over 30 years ago. So this blog is for children between 8 and 80. Yes, some are a bit rude but the language is/was the language of children who found it funny. I certainly did and was transformed to a bygone playground. I would like to take you there.


Please feel  free to post any you remember :)

SP.





REMEMBER THESE?

I lost me arm in the army
I lost me leg in the navy
I lost me dick in a butchers shop
and found it in me gravy
(i still laugh at that!)

*******
My friend Billy had a ten foot willy
He showed it to the girl next door
She thought it was a snake and hit it with a rake
And now its only 5 foot four

******

? and me
sitting in a tree
k
i
s
s
i
n
g


*******
Tell tale tit
Yer mammy cannae knit
Yer daddy cannae go tae bed
Wi'oot a dummy tit


Or

tell tale tit
your tongue has split
all the little children
are laughing at it

*****

Chinese,
Japanese,
dirty knees
what are these (pulling jumper out to mimic boobs)



MARY’S LAMB HAS A LONG HISTORY

Mary had a little lamb
She tied it to a pylon
Ten thousand volts shot up its bum
And turned its wool to nylon

Or

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
Although I've often seen her lamb
I've never seen her bear (spelling)

Or

Mary had a little lamb
It grew and grew and grew
It ate all Mary’s sandwiches
And then ate Mary too

Or

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
Although I've often seen her lamb
I've never seen her bear
"1st came love
then came marriage
then came a baby in a baby carriage

Or
Mary had a little lamb,
'twas full of fun and frolics,
it tried to jump a ten foot fence,
and landed on its .... back


Or
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was kinda red
The reason for this was
It had a pick axe in its head

Or
mary had a little lamb
she also had a duck
she put them on the mantelpiece
to see if they would fffffff

Or even
Mary had a little lamb,
she thought it rather silly
,She threw it up in the air
and caught it by it's ..

Mary had a little lamb,
'twas full of fun and frolics,
it tried to jump a ten foot fence,
and landed on its .... back

POOR MARY

Mary had a little bike
She rode it on the grass
And every time the wheels went round
The spokes stuck up her &%

MIND -SHE WAS CHEEKY

Mary, Mary quite contrary
 how does your garden grow?
 I live in a flat you stupid prat
 so how the **** should I know?"

AND HAD AN HISTORY…

Jack and Mary down the dairy
(ooh ah, ooh ooh ah !)
Mary said 'what a whopeer, lets get down and do it proper'
(ood ah ooh ooh ah !)
.......
Mary had a little pig,
She couldn't stop it gruntin'.
She tied it to a telegraph pole
And kicked its little front in.





RUDE  BITS THAT MAKE YOU GIGGLE

Willy was a watch dog
sitting on the grass
along came a bumble bee
and stung him on the.........

*****
Arse no questions
tell no lies
ever seen a policeman
doing up his.........

******
Flies are a nuisance
bees are worse
and that is the end
of my silly little verse!

**********


WINDY TIMES


pardon me
I did not know
It was food from down below


Or


farts are very useful
they come in every size
and underneath the bedclothes
they suffocate the flies

Or

A fart is a wonderful thing
It gives the belly ease
It warms the bed in winter
And rids the bed of fleas





Beans  beans
Good for your heart
The more you eat
The more you fart
The more you fart
The better you feel
So eat your beans
For every meal



AWW!



beans, beans, the musical fruit
the more you eat the more you toot
the more you toot the better you feel
so eat more beans with every meal.......
t was not me it was my food!
it just came up to say "Hello"
and now it's got back down below!

Or

Tale of the trump:

Egg fart
Cabbage fart
Cannon
Or a Clinker

Dandy whiff
Windy puff
Plop
Boff
Stinker.

Or

Pardon me for being so rude
it was not me it was my food!
it just came up to say "Hello"
and now it's got back down below!

Or

Jingle bells
Batman smells
Robin's done a fart
The batmobile's lost a wheel
And now it's falling apart

Going down the motorway
The M54
Maxine did a fart and
blew off the door

Or

Everyone's overtaking
The wheels are falling apart
All because of Maxine's
Supersonic fart!



AMEN

As shepherds watched their flocks by night all eating fish and chips
the angel of the lord came down and charged them 3 and 6


Good King Wenceslas once looked out,
On a cabbage garden,
Bumped into a brussels sprout,
And said "Beg your pardon!"



**********

That's not all
That's not all
The baby's playing basketball
That's not all
That's not all
The baby's drinking alcohol




yeller belly custard
cold snot pie
all mixed together with a dead dogs eye
spread it on a butty nice and thick
then wash it down with a cup of cold sick
(better than junk food -eh?)



Build a bonfire, build a bonfire
Put the school upon the top
Put the teachers in the middle
And burn the flaming lot



FRAM LANDON ME OLD SPARRER

If you go down in the woods today, you'd better go in disguise.
If you go down in the woods today, you'd better do up your flies.
Coz Mum and Dad are having a sh*g, and Uncle Frank is having a w***
And Auntie Flo is having a go with Grandad.


... (cockney accent)



My ole man's a dustman
'ee wears a dustman's 'at.
'ee took me rounda corna
t see a footy match.
Fatty passed t Skinny
Skinny passed it back
Fatty took a rotten shot a knocked da goaly flat.
Where was the goaly? The ball was in the net.
'ee's 'alf way rounda football pitch with 'is shorts around 'is neck

They laid him on a stretcher
They laid him on a bed
They rubbed his belly with a lump of jelly
And this is what he said


MAKES YER WANNA SHOUT!

Lulu had a baby
She called him Sunny Jim
She put him in the bathtub
To see if he could swim
He swam right to the bottom
He swam right to the top
Lulu got excited and she
Grabbed him by the

*******
Cocktail whisky
Seven-and-six a glass
If you don't like it
You can stick it up your

Ask no question
Tell no lie
I saw a fisherman
Doing up his

Fly away Peter
Fly away Paul
Come back Peter
With your finger up his………







GIRLS AND BOYS.

When Suzie was a schoolgirl
 a schoolgirl Suzie was;
She went: "Oo ah, I lost my bra
 I left my knickers in my boyfriend's car".

.


another ...

"we come from a land where the grass is green
the hardest kids you’ve ever seen
we dont tell lies and we dont tell tales
we are the boys from....SOUTH WALES !!!"

usually sung that one on the back of the bus on varying occasions!!

Also ...

ADULTS AND IDOLS

Mrs White
had a fright
in the middle of the night,
She saw a ghost, eating toast
halfway up a lamp-post.
Saw another
In the gutter
but this one was eating bread and butter


Georgie Best
Superstar
Looks like a woman and he wears a bra

Georgie Best
Lost his vest
Right in the middle of the football test



Sang on the last day of school before hols:

One more day in school
One more day in sorrow
One more day in this old dump
and we'll be gone tomorrow!


This one's a bit naughty

Milk, Milk (pointing to boobs)
Lemonade (pointing to between legs)
Round the corner chocolate aid

A sailor went to sea, sea, sea,
to see what he could see, see, see,
and all that he could see, see, see,
was the bottom of the deep blue sea, sea, sea!
And so is this…

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get Her poor Doggy a bone
and when she bent down
the dog came around
and gave her a bone of his own

*********
Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief,
Taffy came to my house and stole a joint of beef,
I went to Taffy's house,
Taffy was in bed,
So I went  up with the p*ss pot and hit him on the head

********
two dead men got up to fight
on a bright sunny day in the middle of the night
back to back they faced each other
drew their swords and shot each other!!




Irrrrrrr…!

nobody loves me, every body hates me
I’m going down the garden to eat worms
long thin skinny ones,
short fat lumpy ones
ones that squiggle and squirm.
bite off the heads and suck out the juice and throw the skins away
no body knows how i survive on 100 worms a day!



Skinny Malinkey Long Legs
Umbrella feet
Went tae the pictures
and couldnae find a seat.
When the pictures Started
Skinny Malinkey farted!
Skinny Malinkey Long Legs
Umbrella Feet.




I went to the pictures tomorrow,
I got a front seat at the back.
An old lady gave me a Mars Bar,
I ate it and gave her it back :O


Ouch…!
Not last night but the night before
Three wee witches came to the door
One with a trumpet, one with a drum
One with a saucepan stuck to her bum









Make sense of this one:

Eeny Meeny Macaracker
Ra Ra Dominacker
Take a little lollipop and rumpumpush.

I suppose that the woman from Eeling was doing something unsavory on the ceiling.
Perhaps she dropped a large cr*p
Which fell on the cat
and caused it a bit of bad feeling


A Classic

My brother Billy
Had a ten foot willy
And he showed it to the girl next door
She thought it was a snake
And she hit it with a rake
And now it's only 5 foot 4

( pre-metric days)

……If you're from the west of scotland, it's
Big King Billy who had a 10 foot willy ...

*******
My father's a lavatory cleaner
Full of good humour and wit
But when he comes home in the evening
He is all covered in .....
shine your buttons with Brasso
It's only four pennies a tin
You can buy it or steal it from Woolworths
And it's full right up to the brim


Some say he was buried in a coffin
And some say he was buried in a pit
but I know what my old man was buried in
He was buried in a big lump of .....shine your buttons with Brasso
It's only four pennies a tin
You can buy it or steal it from Woolworths
And it's full right up to the brim


*******



Not last night but the night before
Twenty four robbers came knocking at my door
I went to the door to let them in
They knocked me on the head with a rolling pin

******




On top of old smokey
all covered in grass
there sat a bald eagle scratching his
don’t be mistaken dont be mislead
that silly pld eagle was scratching his head.

**********
The boy stood on te burning deck
his pocket full of crackers
one fell down his trouser leg
and blew of both his sand shoes (what are sand shoes??)

**********
Milk, milk, lemonade.
Round the corner chocolate's made.






SKIPPING

Not last night but the night before
25 robbers came to my door.
As I went out, they said to me -

Spanish lady turn around
Spanish lady touch the ground
Spanish lady do the high kicks
Spanish lady do the splits.

Or

Cinderella , bumberella turn right round
Cinderella , bumberella touch the ground
Cinderella , bumberella do the high kicks
Cinderella , bumberella do the splits.

Or

My Mama told me
If I was goody
That she would buy me
A rubber dolly
My auntie told her
I kissed a soldier
Now she won't buy me
A rubber dolly

*******
Under the bramble bushes under the tree
Johnny broke a bottle and he blamed it on to me
I told my mama
I told my papa
Johnny got whacking on his oom-pah-pah-pah-pah

**********
mirror mirror on the wall
who's the fairest of them all
here's me back
here's me front
oh my god you ugly...person



 ******
What's the time?
half past nine
phone your uncle on the line.
If he falls, break his balls
take them up to santa claus"

******

I was walking down the lane
 sniffing cocaine
 police went by & shouted my name
 I threw the tin out of the window
 Shouting the  **** I legged it.

:

I believe I can fly
 I got shot by the FBI
 all I wanted was a chicken wing,
 and I got shot in the ding a ling"


.

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack went to bed with his good friend Dick.


And a more innocent one ...

Here's the church,
Here's the steeple,
Open the doors, see all the people.
Here's the little boy running upstairs,
Here's the little boy saying his prayers.

*****

Ib, dib, dip,
My blue ship
Sails on the water
Like a cup and saucer
Ib, dib, dip.

Choosing song (US):

Eeny, meeny, pass a deeny
Archy, parchy, cumberarchie
A peach, a plum,
A half a stick of chewing gum
Here is the other half
And this is what you say:
A man, a man, a man come by,
Shamrock, shamrock, ra ra ra.

Happy Birthday to you
you live in a Zoo
you look like a monkey
And smell like one too...
...
*******
Jingle bells
Batman smells
Robin's done a fart
The batmobile's lost a wheel
And now it's falling apart
____________



FROM THE STATES

Miss lucy had a steamboat
the steamboat had a bell,
miss lucy went to heaven and the steamboat went to…


HELLO operator
please give me number nine,
and if you disconnect me I will chop off your

BEHIND the refridgerator
there was a piece of glass,
miss lucy fell upon it and she cut her big fat

ASK me no more questions
and I'll tell you no more lies,
the boys are in the bathroom zipping up their

FLIES are in the meadow
bees are in the park,
miss lucy and her boyfriend are kissing in the

D
A
R
K

dark dark

DARK is like a movie
a movie's like a show
a show is like a TV show and that is all i know

i know my mother,
i know i know my pa,
i know i know my sister with the 80 metre bra.

**********
On top of Spaghetti, all covered with cheese,
I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed.
It rolled off the table, and onto the floor,
And then my poor meatball rolled out of the door.
It rolled down the garden, and under a bush,
And then my poor meatball was nothing but mush!
The mush was as tasty, as tasty could be,
And then the next summer it grew into a tree.
The tree was all covered, all covered with moss,
And on it grew meatballs, all covered with sauce.
So if you have spaghetti, all covered with cheese,
Hold onto your meatball, 'cause someone might sneeze

1970's, in a US school, same time as this……

Little Bunny Foo Foo
Hopping through the woods
Gathering up the field mice
And bop 'em on the head……





To the tune of "my bonnie lies over the ocean

my father's a lavatory cleaner
he works in the lavvies at night
and when he cones home in the morning
his boots are all covered in
shine up your buttons with brasso
it's only tuppence a time
you'll get it in Woolworths for nothing
as long as there's nobody in


Also:

oor wee school's a good wee school
it's made wi bricks and mortar,
the only thing that's wrong wi it
is the baldy-heided master
He goes tae the pub on a Saturday night
he goes tae the Church on Sunday
he prays tae the Lord tae gie him the strength
tae murder the weans on Monday.


*******
Hitler has only got one ball
The other is in the Albert Hall
His mother, the dirty bugger
Cut it off when he was small

*********
<to the tune of Yellow Submarine>

we all live in a house in Aberdeen
it isna very clean
you'll see what I mean


*****

Here comes the bride
forty inches wide
here comes the vicar
forty inches thicker
*******

School dinners, school dinners,
Mushy peas, mushy peas,
Soggy semolina, soggy semolina
I feel sick, get a bucket quick,
Oh too late, I've done it on my plate.

KNIGHT FEVER..

In days of old
when knights were bold
and nodders weren't inented
they'd tie a sock around their c$ck
and babies were prevented:O)

*******
In days of old,
When knights were bold
And paper not invented,
They wiped their ar5e
On a blade of grass
And had to be contented

*******
In days of old
when knights were bold
and nodders weren't invented
they'd tie a sock around their c$ck
and babies were prevented:O)

******

In days of old when knights were bold
and women hadnt been invented
they drilled holes in telegraph poles
and went home quite contented.


In days of old when knights were bold
And toilet weren’t invented
They would dig a hole in the middle of the road
And s(h)it there quite contented

******
I had a friend called Bob
Whose knob was very small
His girlfriend went and bit it off
And now he’s no knob at all

I can not find a toilet
I’ll wait until it clogs
Then I’ll pass it out my bum
And saw it up in logs





Ha ha
you're funny
my name's
Bugs Bunny
******
My boyfriend gave me an apple
My boyfriend gave me a pear
My boyfriend gave me a kick up the bum
So I threw him down the stairs

I threw him over England
I threw him over France
I threw him over the football pitch
And he lost his underpants

I gave him back his apple
I gave him back his pear
I gave him back his kick up the bum
And I threw him down the stairs

I made him lick the dishes
I made him lick the floor
I made him lick the baby's bum
in nineteen-ninety-four

********
Yankee Doodle went to space
And crash-landed on Venus
A shooting star went up his bum
And paralysed his pen*s

*******
Its raining its pouring
the old man is snoring
he went to bed and bumped his head
and couldn't get up in the morning
the doctor came and pulled the chain
and out came a chuffa train

*******



on top of old smokey,
where nobody goes,
I met a young virgin
without any clothes

I gave her a fiver,
she gave me it back
I gave her a tenner
and she opened her crack.

******



In it’s original Glasgow dialect…..

I'm a skyscraper wean; I live on the nineteenth flair,
But I'm no' gaun oot tae play ony mair,
'Cause since we moved tae Castlemilk, I'm wastin' away
'Cause I'm getting' wan meal less every day:

Oh ye cannae fling pieces oot a twenty story flat,
Seven hundred hungry weans will testify to that.
If it's butter, cheese or jeely, if the breid is plain or pan,
The odds against it reaching earth are ninety-nine tae wan.

On the first day ma maw flung oot a daud o' Hovis broon;
It came skytin' oot the windae and went up insteid o' doon.
Noo every twenty-seven hours it comes back intae sight
'Cause ma piece went intae orbit and became a satellite.

On the second day ma maw flung me a piece oot wance again.
It went and hut the pilot in a fast low-flying plane.
He scraped it aff his goggles, shouting through the intercom,
"The Clydeside Reds huv goat me wi' a breid-an-jeely bomb."

On the third day ma maw thought she would try another throw.
The Salvation Army band was staunin' doon below.
"Onward Christian Soldiers" was the piece they should've played
But the oompahman was playing a piece an' marmalade.

We've wrote away to Oxfam to try an' get some aid,
An a' the weans in Castlemilk have formed a 'piece-brigade'.
We're gonnae march to George's Square demanding civil rights
Like nae mair hooses ower piece-flinging height.


********
oh you'll never go to heaven in a jumbo jet
cos god ain't got no runways yet

you'll never go to heaven in a bottle of gin
cos god won't let no spirits in

you'll never go to heaven in a platex bra
cos a platex bra won't stretch that far

*********
what can you do when you can't find the loo
 in an english country garden
pull down your pants and do it on the ants
 in an english country garden


**********
[to the tune of 'Three German Officers' (trench son)]
There was an old man or 92, Parlez Vous
There was an old man or 92, Parlez Vous
There was an old man of 92, who did a fart and missed the loo
inky pinky parlez vouz.

the fart went rolling down the street, Parlez Vous
the fart went rolling down the street, Parlez Vous
the fart went rolling down the street, knocked a copper off his feet
inky pinkey parles vous

the copper got out his rusty pistol, Parlez Vous
the copper got out his rusty pistol, Parlez Vous
the copper got out his rusty piston, and shot the fart from here to bristol,
inky pinky parlez vous

Bristol city was playing at home, Parlez Vous
Bristol city was playing at home, Parlez Vous
Bristol city was playing at home, headered the fart from here to rome,
inky pinkey parlez vous

Julius Caesar was drinking Gin, Parlez Vous
Julius Caesar was drinking Gin, Parlez Vous
Julius Caesar was drinking Gin,
he opened his mouth and the fart rolled in,
inkey pinky parlez vous

the fart went rolling down his spine, Parlez Vous
the fart went rolling down his spine, Parlez Vous
the fart went rolling down his spine,
hit his balls and made them chime,
inky pinky parlez vous

*******


made you look made you stare
made you lose your underwear

*******

Adam and Eve went up the Tree
Locked the door and turned the key.




Hey diddle diddle
the cat did a piddle
all over the kitchen floor
the little dog laughed to see such fun
so the cat did a little bit more


Humpty dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the Kings men
Had scrambled egg for breakfast


Central Scotland and Fife, 80s and 90s (although probably been on the go for ages)

For deciding who will be 'it'

"eenie meenie miney mo
catch a tiger by its toe
if it squeals let it go
eenie meenie miney mo"

or

"onika bonika Suzi Sonika
onika bonika boink"






"""Chapter 1 the story just begun
Chapter2 I don't know what to do
Chapter3 sat me on his knee
Chapter 4 got me on the floor
Chapter 5 ?


"""old king cole was a merry old soul and a merry ole soul was he. He called for a light in the middle of the night, to go to the WC. The light shone on the closet door, the candle had a fit. Old king cole fell down a hole and swallowed a lump of sh*t.

"""Old King Nick had a six foot dick and he showed it to the woman next door, she hit it with a rake, for she thought it was a snake, and now it's only five foot four ...